Monday, June 20, 2011

Making Things Happen vs Waiting For It

Hiiiiiii! I know, I know, I've been M.I.A. The thing with PGDGD is, it was kinda like therapy for me and I've gotten to a place where I don't need a consistent therapy session. So this is good right? Progress we can call it. Now, however I am being forced to write because I'm getting confused again. In the last, literally two weeks I've been hearing this "If it's meant to be" term and quite frankly it's getting on my fuggin nerves!!!

Ok, so either you're on Team "Things Happen On Their Own" or Team "You Have To Make Things Happen." I think I'm definitely leaning toward the latter and the more I hear the other side's belief system, the more annoyed I get with said assholes.

In life you are taught to go after what you want right? If you want a new job, you have to apply. If you want to do well on a test, you have to study. If you want to be a great musician, you have to practice. I don't think I'm alone in this thinking. For every goal, there is some amount of effort put in to attain it. BUTTTTTT soooooome people just completely disregard this when it comes to relationships. I call these people the excuse-users with the excuse being "if it's meant to be..."

Don't get me wrong, I understand timing, but most things in life take more than timing. For all things meant to be, some work had to be done to give birth to whatever the end result is. All I'm saying is, if someone values something and really wants it, they don't mind putting in the work to get it.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

I Thought I Was Through With You...

I couldn't write for forever and I feel horrible about it. Writing has been such a release for me but I came to a point recently where I just couldn't do it. I've been super depressed, partly because I'm an ungrateful bitch, but mostly because I'm human. I tore my ACL and meniscus, blah blah. I got knee surgery last month and can't walk until next month without the help of torture devices otherwise known as crutches. My whole life has been altered temporarily. I had to move-in with my friend because her apt has an advantage over mine: an elevator. I have to take a frickin bus to work and I'm in pain every single day. It could be worse hence my ungratefulness, so I'll leave my complaining within this first paragraph.

Another part of my faux depression is my over-consuming blog topic. I'm sick of writing about this same particular person, whom I've now dubbed "Worm Food," which isn't really nice because he's not dead. Di Fact: "Worm Food" is dirt mixed with the decaying body of the deceased. Anyway, as much as I try to convince myself, the idea of him isn't dead either. Sometimes you don't realize how big of an affect someone has in your life, especially when they are no longer a part of it. I don't know if the "dead" guy has this affect because of who he was, or because of who I am. Is it me???

Today I shed a little tear (or several, whatever) because I was upset that attachments aren't yet broken and that memories aren't less emotional. Some things are out of our control, but for someone like me who strives for as much control as possible over my thoughts and life, it's difficult to feel things I honestly just don't want to feel anymore. Frustration is what brought those tears, nothing to do with WF (<--- a lie).

To curb my feelings of woe, I turned on SATC because Carrie is a God. HBO on Demand is thee shit!

Just when I thought it was over, came in the harsh reality that I just may need more time. Worm Food may not be the problem; there actually may not be a problem at all and what I feel is supposed to be felt. Moving on and letting go is a process. Just like recovering from my knee surgery, I have to take this other shit one day at a time.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Knowledge: Power or Pain?

I hate finding out shit! I mean, I don't want to be blindly involved in something and being lied to, but there's just some things I don't want or NEED to know. It's those things I hate finding out.

In the last few months I have been making a conscious effort to control and take ownership of my feelings, and those efforts were really tested the other day.

I hate Tumblr! I guess I hate blogs too. And social networks. These things can reveal a truth that you'd be better off not knowing (or not want to know, but should). I learned a long time ago that following a guy you date on Twitter is notttt a good idea. I even block their statuses off of my news feed on Facebook. Effective communication needs to be tailored to the receiver and in emotional relationships that tailoring often does not exist in a social world.

Social networks are not for liars! Why? Because a lie is too hard to keep up with, and eventually you'll tell on yourself in a status, or blog post, or BBM update. Once that information is public and some unsuspecting young lady, who doesn't know you're a liar will find out that in fact you are A FUGGIN LIAR! Ugh. Cut the lying!!!

As a reformed liar, I get that some lies are little white lies, like what Kim Kardashian does. Some lies are told with good intentions or are a result of fear. I have a healthy understanding of lying. However, even a white lie can sting once you find out the truth.

So is knowledge power or pain? Knowledge gives you an advantage in decision-making, so that's good, but what about when a big decision isn't needed or is difficult, then you're kinda burdened with a truth you didn't want in the first place.

Unwanted truths can either be shrugged off or go straight to your memory, where they stay and eventually become insecurity. When I care, I'm not very good at the Kanye shrug, so I have to be very cautious of the "white liars." I can't control who lies to me and what lies they tell, I can only focus on controlling how finding out the truth makes me feel. In the end, what else can you do? Cry about it!?

Monday, January 10, 2011

But what if they die?

I've been super duper sad today because I read this book. This book is a greaaaat book. I can't post the title, because I'm lending it to my friend to read since I finished it. The whole concept of the book is about timing. It journeys the lives of two friends, a girl and a guy, who go from strangers, to bestfriends who are secretly in love with eachother. Over a span of 20 years, the book chronicalizes their lives. It's so obvious to the reader how much they love eachother, but they spend so much time, wasting, in my opinion, not being together. The guy eventually marries and has a child with someone else, who cheats on him with his best friend (That's what his ass gets!). SMH. So, anyway after about 15 years, a plethura of fights between them and failed relationships with other people, they finally GET TOGETHER!!! Yay!!!! THEN...she gets hit by a car and DIES!

No lie. I was reading on the train and nearly burst into tears. SHE DIES!? After all of this, all of the back and forth, and friendship, and love, and passion, and missed opportunities. They finally get it together, get married, and she dies riding her bike home from the gym. Sucks right?

This got me to thinking. What if he dies? What if I die? What happens when all the missed opportunities become the last opportunity...ever? If you really love someone, but just can't get it right, are you willing to lose them forever because you can't? I guess this is where timing comes into play. They spent all of that time not being together, maybe because they weren't supposed to, no matter how much I felt like they should reading along angrily. But maybe not. Maybe there's a chance that while timing is a huge factor in life and relationships, maybe if you appreciated what you had in front of you, you could have the life you want before it's too late???

The female lead essentially waited for the male lead to realize what he had in front of him all along. Granted, she lived her life and had other relationships, but she always felt a constant "what-if" that stopped her from ever really letting go of him. She waited so long that once they finally we're together and married, it was difficult for her to have children, and she died before she could. BUT in the same argument, she married someone that she always loved, I guess her "soulmate", and she got to experience that two years before her death.

So, today I'm wondering is everything really about fate or the decisions we make along the way? What happens when you run out of time...forever?

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Get A Hobby Girl!

It's easy to be in a relationship with someone and enjoy the time you spend together so much that you want to be with them all of the time. To some of you, this may not sound like a problem, however, it's a HUGE problem. Eventually someone is going to want more time outside of the relationship and chances are it will be him. If you're a girl who values her personal time and enjoys life outside of her romantic relationship, this may be a sting, but not devastating. For those of you, who sadly, have centered your life around your significant other, tsk tsk, shame on you! Once he starts pulling away, your poor life begins to suck, you'll be a bitch and he'll spend more time away from you.

I read this excerpt from an article about a year ago and I'll never forget it..."If he's busy, he has the ability to fill his life with things that aren't you." You need to learn how to do the same.

I hate hearing stories of girls staying home all night waiting for their man to come home from the club. Or women arguing with their men for watching the game or going out with their boys. If you had a life of your own outside of your relationship, you would be more secure in your time apart and in turn more attractive to him. Instead of screaming at him to come home, make him come home because he misses you. If he spends majority of his free time without you, you need to re-elvaulate whatever relationship you think you have.

Find something to do! If you can't think of two or at least one thing you enjoy doing that doesn't involve your man, you have a serious problem on your hands. Eventually your dependency on him will be a complete downfall to your relationship. Then your next relationship will also suck because you'll be so used to being dependent on someone that you'll probably fall prematurely for the next. But hey, these are my opinions. 

I have learned that when you disappear a little, a man will seek you. Next time he wants to go out, cool, let him enjoy his night with no harassing texts from you. He calls you, don't answer, wait an hour and call back. If you want to talk to him, don't contact him, wait until he reaches out to you this time. It's not necessarily "a game", but don't be so available. Pretend to please have a life!

If you don't give your man a hard time and you do your own thing, but are still dissatisfied with the time he gives toward spending time together, chances are, he doesn't want to spend time with you!!! At this point, you should look into spending your time with someone else...permanently. I'm just saying.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Were We Meant To Be?

"Were you meant for me or are you here to help me find my way to love?"

In our dating lives, many will come and many more will go. Every person that you fall in love with will not be the person you stay in love with or they stay in love with you. Unless you're Beyonce, it may take you a time or two to get it right. All good things must come to an end. While endings are sad boots, especially when you think you really love someone, maybe they were just there to help you get to where you're going. (Btw: sad boots = very sad. I speak like a gay guy.)

I have fallen in love several times, and in each of those situations I thought the guy was THEE SHIT. Like no one would be able to tell me anything about him, because I knew in my heart and soul that he was "Superman." Just yesterday I had a conversation with my old roommate and she asked me about one of my exes. In my story-telling, she stopped me, rather rudely because she was laughing so hard at my current feelings for my ex. My feelings now are compleeeetely opposite of how I used to feel about him. Things change. Several years ago, I couldn't imagine being over him, now he's barely an afterthought (sorry dude).

In the moment of being in love or being heartbroken, it's hard to imagine that the feelings you feel for someone, aren't really meant for them. However, they may only be in your life to help you find what you really want, but just don't know yet.

Each of my (serious) relationships/situations have been an upgrade from the previous. They may not be equal or better in all areas, but overall the new guy is always somehow better than the last one. At least better for me. I take with me to the next, some new knowledge and experience that I didn't have before, so in the end, what happened before was just practice. Plus, I just love new shit! Once I'm over the old feelings, I'm over OVER it, because I'm naturally a "change is good" person. Things can only go up.

So, for the love you may not be over now, maybe he was just there to help you find your way to real love, the realest and last love you may ever have in your life. If you were given the opportunity, let's say God called you up and said "Hey girl, you have 2 options: You can have (your boo's name goes here) and the relationship you already have for the rest of your life OR you can have a relationship where you will always be happy, and respected, and loved except I can't tell you who he is yet." Who would you choose? The man who you want now or the one you don't know? The unknown is frightening, and that's actually the real cause of the heartbreak. Not knowing when, with who, and how you would be able to experience those feelings again. If you're sad, isn't the chance of future happiness kinda worth the sacrifice of the guy standing in the way of present happiness? Even if you think he will make you happy in the future, do you really want to wait and see?

Looking back, I feel like some of the times that I felt "in love" it had very little to do with actual love itself. I think it was more of an excitement/addiction/comfort blend that together made me feel strong feelings, but if I really loved them like I thought, wouldn't I still? When do we realize we're just not meant to be?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Must Not Fall...

I stumbled drunkenly into a bathroom stall Thursday night and as I was finishing the deed, I finally noticed what was written on the wall behind me..."I Must Not Fall For Bad Boys." WTFeezy! While small, the moment felt like some kind of miracle!!! (Well, not a miracle, but a "sign" at the very least.)

After snapping this pic of the wall, I've been spending the last few days re-looking at this photo in my phone and being inspired by it. Must. Not. Fall (especially for "bad" boys).

In the past, I have "fallen" into things and situations that while I don't regeret them, if I would have used more logic, I would have been able to avoid a lot of heartbreak. Now, I don't want to "fall" anymore. I rather use both heart and logic equally to journey into something, side-by-side, as opposed to "falling" and hoping to be caught. The word "falling" doesn't sound like something good anyway! If someone called you and said only the words "I fell" you would ask if they were okay, with the assumption that they got hurt. Right? Is it bitter of me to associate "falling" with "hurt"...?

"Must Not Fall For Bad Boys." "Bad Boys" and please add "Bad (for YOU) Boys." I know all too well about those! They're not necessarily "bad" but they can be verrry bad for you. These "bad" boys for me all had one thing in common: They were extremely unavailable! Reasons being: Not over an ex or a workaholic or torn between their spiritual life and their dating life or had Mommy-issues...the list contines. These guys weren't bad, but they were bad for me. I'm at a place where I am open and available and I need to date someone who is also open and available.

I think for the most part I have always been open, but I dated so many guys who weren't because I didn't know that I was. If I heard "I'm not looking for a relationship" I thought "Great, because I'm not either!," but that's not entirely true. While I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm open to the idea of one. My openness mixed with someone else's "closedness" can only lead to one place: being hurt; and that's somewhere I have no interest in being any time soon...