Raise Your Hand If You're Sure!!!

                 

Remember the Sure commercial? This commercial seemed to come on every five minutes as a kid, and was often a punchline in a funky underarms joke. While this is an extremely corny commerical, the command is so powerful. "Raise your hand if you're sure!" Not the confidence of whether you used deodorant this morning, but the confidence you have in your relationship, your decisions, and your desires. Are you really sure?

Between my own Whitley/Dwayne-ish situation and my friends constant and confusing "love" woes: We all seem to have our hands DOWN in the "Sure" department. He's on the fence. She's pulling away. He thinks he's still in love with his ex. She's having sex with her ex. He's not ready to settle down. Blah, blah, blah!!! My life is full of uncertainty and not just of my own: It's my friends that are the trouble makers!!! Jk ;)

Dating is all about taking risks and making decisions. While the process can be difficult, at some point, you have to raise your hand! How long can you go on being unsure, teetering the fence, flip-flopping (c. George Bush) on the issues? Honestly, once a firm decision is made, that's when things seem to just work out naturally. I think we (girls and guys) over-think way too much when it comes to our feelings. Everyone is trying to protect their heart and their pride, which is wise, but not very fulfilling. I do not want to get hurt: Period! At the same time, what am I going to do, not date because there is that looming possibility? How many times have you missed out on an opportunity because you didn't make up your mind in time? Maybe that was more of a guy question because they are the WORST when it comes to solid decision-making, but I digress.

Ask yourself: Do you really know what you want? Second, why do you feel that way? I try to remember to always ask myself those questions in any situation where I have to make a choice. I don't like being undecided, and it doesn't feel great when someone is undecided about me. Life is about living not over-thinking. Once you get past the thought-process, there's a whole world of unknown sureness that can be so rewarding!!!

I desperately need to cross over to the other side, the "Sure" side because being unsure is no fun!!! Sigh.

The Whitley/Dwayne Theory

Ever since TV One (bless their hearts) have added "A Different World" to their line-up, I have been watching the show almost obsessively. The most recent episodes have been chronicling Whitley and Dwayne's relationship post-break up and the end of their engagement. Whitley and Dwayne's relationship is hilarious, passionate, and disguistingly relatable!

Boy meets Girl. They date. Fall in love. Break-up. Get back together. Break up again. Get back together (again) repeat, repeat, repeat! Ahh, the beloved "Make Up to Break Up" relationship!!! Full of love, but dramatic. Comfortable, but not consistent. A long game of "Can't be together-but can't stay Away!"

I love these kind of relationships! They may not always be healthy, but they're so effing exciting! When it's good, its soooo good, but when it's bad...IT'S BAD! The bonus of such relationships is amazing sex  and if you're fighting, but not having crazy sex, why are you even together!?!?

Frankly, I enjoy the fighting process. At first you're mad and you hate him. You dog him to your friends. Call him broke. Delete him off your bbm. Then after about a week, you're sad because you miss him. You re-read old texts, look at old pictures, drive pass his house (I would never). Then, one day he calls or texts, you both flirt, then BAM...you're back on! How fun is that!? Maybe a little crazy, but more exciting than hanging out everyday with no spark.

Monogamy can be monotony, and drama (in moderation) is fuel for the fire and desire. If two people never fight, I doubt there are any real feelings there. Relationship drama is healthy when the drama isn't what keeps you together. The issue so many girls have is knowing when your "Break up to Make Up" relationship is just broken and unfixable. Grown women know when it is just time to walk away. If you have more sad days than happy days with your man: Take a hint!

Otherwise, make up (over and over and over again) but WRAP IT UP!!!

Beat it, Kid!

I haaaate Break-Ups! Something about two people packing up and going their separate ways is sooo sad. I mean, weren't you friends? What about the good times? What about the baby!? Seriously, deep down inside I still want Nick and Jessica (Simpson) to get back together! That's sad!

Honestly, break-ups are the most important part of dating and relationships. As the saying goes: You learn more from failure than success. That same theory can be applied to "love." When you're happy in love and going through the motions, you're not learning crap; you're basically just enjoying the feelings. Now, remember the first time or even the last time you got your heart broken? Think for a second about how it felt....not fun right, but I'm sure you learned something from it!

Breaking up, whether painful or liberating, is just a basic part of becoming an adult. If you never broke up with your boyfriend from the 3rd grade, imagine how lame your life would be now? If you never broke up with your ex, you'd never have met the person you're with now or who you'll be with next.

I have experienced majority of my growth as a woman in the F'd up times of my dating life. I have learned very serious lessons that have saved me from or gotten me out of situations much quicker than if I did not have those experiences at all. I have dated jerks that at the time, thought were great, then broke up and met someone that made me say "WTF was I doing with him?" Break-ups teach you more about yourself and what you want from another person, much more than being "in love."

As women, we need to be mindful (even when you're in love) that the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves! The guys you date are basically stops on the road, and if HE'S lucky, he can be the last stop.

Chill out. Enjoy dating, but even more, enjoy breaking up.

Marking Your Territory: His Facebook Wall?

Ever leave earrings, tampons, a hair tie, (HELL...A THONG) at your man's place just in case another female visits, she will know you exist? This is what is called Marking Your Territory. In other words,  leaving subtle and sometimes even bold signs that you are the woman in a particular man's life. This act is a little questionable in my opinion, but I will not address any of that foolery today. Instead, this post is about the girls who abuse the hell out of a man's facebook wall...

Ok, we get it!!! He's your man! Ya'll are "talking!" You KNOW him! Point taken!" Is it really necessary to share private messages with all of his 1,200 friends? "Hey baby. So happy you came over last night. I can't wait to see you tonight. Love you." For real?!  Don't you have his phone number...his email!?

I just don't believe that it is a true sign of confidence nor comfort in your relationship, if you constantly feel the need to do things like that. If he makes you feel that insecure regarding your place in relation to other women, then why are you with him? One should feel especially foolish when his relationship status says that he is single!

I "just so happened" (purposely) to be on a friend's (ex) page, where I saw a girl who I have seen write on his wall before, leave one of her infamous, attention-seeking messages. I don't know the (true) relationship he and her share, but she writes on his wall like every other day. From just one glance, you see her face like 5 times! Like seriously, why are you doing this?! His relationship status is single. Her page is open and from my small investigation, he doesn't seem to respond much (at least not on her wall), so when does the madness end? SMH.

I admit, sometimes little Facebook messages can be cute when it is a surprise. You just so happen to wanna share a joke or write a smiley face or something. However, when it is daily, it screams desperate and an extreme lack of confidence in your relationship. If you don't actually have a serious relationship with this person you just look like a stalker.

But seriously, ya'll know I'm right. If you are guilty of marking your territory, especially through social networking, really think about why you do it and what that says about your relationship. More importantly, what does that behavior say about you?

PS: The fact that the guy is my ex doesn't matter. Mind ya business =)

The Silver Platter

I know of a woman who is 40 years old, beautiful, has 2 children, and has been with the same man for almost 20 years. He has never married her!!! They live together and act as a family with the exception of the Big C (commitment) that is missing from their relationship. SMH! He has had many girlfriends outside of his relationship with her, yet, she considers herself to be "wifey." Sad right?

When asked why she would stay in this relationship, she replied "I would rather eat off of a silver platter, than to eat off the floor." WHAAAAAAT?!?!!?!?! Ok, so having half  (sometimes less) of what you want from a person is better than having nothing at all? This woman is the definition of settling! While she is an extreme case, we all have been guilty of accepting the 2nd place trophy. Whether you're the "side chick" or the "wifey" with no commitment: You are settling. Sometimes it's not even to another woman, but something that serves as a hindrance to your relationship because he values it way more than you. Sometimes that thing can be a career, sometimes it's his fears, or his friends; either way, you my dear are settling. The only case when you are not settling, is when you really, honestly and truly, don't want more, but as women WE ALWAYS WANT MORE. Don't play yourself: You know you do!

I am not a "I need to be in a relationship" kind of girl. I actually try to avoid commitment for as long as I can, yet I have learned through trial-and-error that I am not 100% happy in relationships where there isn't a commitment. That's so oxy-moronic, but life, especially "love" is exactly that way. It doesn't make sense, but it is a real feeling. I've been in non-committed relationships where I tried to convince myself that it was enough, but more and more I realized that it just wasn't. No one aspires to be 2nd place! No athlete says "I want to be the 2nd best player in the league!" What kind of goal is that!? It is human nature to want the top spot, so why do we accept anything that isn't?

I bet Ms. Silver Platter wanted to be a wife. I bet she wanted to feel the love she gave to him in return. I bet she wanted something real and meaningful, but somehow she got stuck being the babymother/roommate. It is easy to look at her and call her a fool, but ask yourself are YOU in the running to be a permanent 2nd-placer? Even if it's not a relationship that you are in now, but a mindset that you have that says you can be happy getting half of what you want. It may feel good for a while, but you will always always want more. So, why are you settling?

Don't Be The Popeye's Chicken Lady!!!

I know by now you all have seen/heard those dreadful Popeye's Chicken commercials with someone's country Auntie exclaiming about how great her chicken is. "Ooh chile' we got seeznins, mouth-watering grease (blah blah blah)...we got the best bonafide chicken around!!!" I shed a single tear every time I hear her voice, and not just because of the coonery of her chicken-selling, but the mere fact of over-hyping her product.

Girls, please don't be the Popeye's Chicken lady convincing the consumer (a man) of how great you are by running down a list of why you're great! Let the product (your actions) speak for itself. This approach never ever ever works and why would it! Basically, you set yourself up for these over-the-top expectations of who you will be in a relationship and you'll always be competing with yourself to be consistent with your "Im the bomb, this is why" list. Then, he'll be so turned off by you being your own hype man, that eventually both your words and actions will mean very little to him. Unfortunately, I know!

I had a bad habit, mostly in or after a fight, where I would do a run-down of "Im smart, Im pretty, I did this for you, I did that" Yeaaa, that didn't work out too well. I basically de-valued my future good deeds by being such a bitch and throwing my so-called "greatness" in someone's face.

At the end of the day, if you are really all these great things, words would never do them justice: just show it! Being your own hype man basically translates into "Hey, Im really insecure so I have to say this to not only convince you, but myself too." Don't be insecure.

Nothing is sexier than silent confidence =)

Double Dipping

Take one dip and end it?!

Is it possible to date someone from your past and get it right the second time around, or would you just be bringing back the old bacteria from before that caused the split in the first place? There's a book I read a few years ago (don't laugh), "Its Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" written by the same guy who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You." The book highlights moving on from relationships that did not work for the simple fact that THEY DID NOT WORK!

I believe there are two factors: timing and desire (in my case boredom) that work together to get the best results in a relationship, and if one of those things are off, it could leave the relationship ending in a "let's just be friends" conversation. I have lotssss of those! I am friends with almost every ex-boyfriend, ex-boo, ex-whatever, I have had since the 8th grade! I am like a collector of...boys (ugh). It's not that I have an issue with letting go, they just don't seem to ever really leave. Most of them, the thought of getting back together is beyond laughable, but then there is a very small few, the most recent of course that I feel maybe about. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea, it's comfortable, we're friends, we still like eachother, it's not long distance anymore, he's happier at his job, he broke up with his girl (insert your reason here)...hmmmmmm.

Think about it. Why did it end in the first place? Even if it was a silly reason at the time, there was a core and real reason why the silly thing made one or both people decide that not being together was the BETTER option. While the ego is motivated by "you're gonna want me back," if and when that relationship re-visit becomes an option, how successful could it possibly be? If it didn't work out the first time are you really just biding your time before it won't work out again?

Anything is possible. I am not a love-hater. I think if two people really love eachother and are on the same accord with what they want, a better relationship could be the result. Look at J.Lo and Marc Anthony. She dated him before Diddy and now they are married with two ok-looking children (sorry I'm real). So that's one couple...but for every one of those there are many more that just don't work, no matter how many rides.

I personally would rather just meet someone new, but still I ponder if the small desire of another taste is worth the germs of double dipping????

Thoughts?

Oops! Did I Do That?

The Noisettes-Young Wild Hearts

"I'm not what I was last summer, Not who I was in the Spring"

Change is inevitable. In the process you will make many many (many) mistakes....and its okay. You'll grow!

Can You Pay My Bills?

Face it, we're in a recession, dates can be expensive but damn if I have to split the bill with you on our first date! Only a boy would do this because a grown man would never ask a woman out if he could not afford to do just that. A grown man would rather not see you for weeks if his money isn't right than to play a game of "You ordered this, I ordered that" when the check is placed on the table. C'MON SON! My meal was $15 AND you're going to penalize me for ordering Iced Tea instead of getting water with lemon?!

If you are ever in this situation, in which is bound to happen, especially if you live in New York, don't even bother arguing with the brother embarrassing yourself at Cafeteria. Pay your half and kindly never speak to his ass again.

And please please pleeease don't have sex with him after the date (or the 2nd date from not learning your lesson the first time)...honestly you should have been turned off :/

All Gray Everything?!

In the age of pseudo-relationships where the non-committed have mocking labels such as "cuddy-buddies" and "friends with benefits," what makes one sure of what their relationship really is or where it is going? Not black, not quite white, but a gray situation of two people who could be more, but may be less. Often, it is so awkward to ask that looming question "What are we?" especially for women who don't want to seem clingy. You go with the flow and then you realize months or even years go by and you have no clue WTF this is!!!

The dreadful gray area. Sigh. It seems a girl can get caught in this before she even knows what happened and sadly, the gray area is relationship quick sand. He's not your boyfriend, but way more than a regular friend. You don't care if a regular friend returns your calls, or take you out because you haven't seen a movie in a while. You don't blow your regular friend's phone up at 2am with drunk angry rants, do you? Noooo those embarrassing episodes that leave you tweeting your frustrations out are saved for someone you think is special. Special?! Special is something that is distinct, like hot pink or Iphones, but gray...gray isn't special at all. Gray is so blah. Gray gets boring. Gray doesn't really stand out. Gray eventually fades to something even more...gray.

But hey, maybe I'm pessimistic or seen one too many gray-fairy tales. Gray matter may just in fact develop color one day, but I wouldn't bet on it.

What Is A Pretty Girl?

A pretty girl eh?

According to the Urban Dictionary (I love this btw) a pretty girl is "a very attractive girl, often found at Keg parties, that all males cannot help but hit on because of her immense beauty."

The word "pretty" can mean very different things to different people, especially between men and women. To be obvious, it describes usually a girl, unless you're a Kappa (and even that is debatable) that is nice on the eyes. In a world full of "Barbies" and "Bad Bitches" just about every woman and girl thinks she is pretty which is fine by me, Im no judger! Truthfully, SOMEONE finds even the most, let's say "not-so-cute" girl, at least moderately pretty, therefore every girl can be called a "Pretty Girl."

These pretty girls date, fall in love, get bored, break-up, get hurt, break hearts, cry, laugh, stalk guys on social networks, move on, but NEVER do they get "dumped." Granted relationships end and sometimes against the will of the pretty girl, but only trash (old papers, banana peels, etc) gets dumped, never a pretty girl! We merely just experience the lessons of love and dating, which in the end, there's no clear winner or loser, right?

"After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breath and reboot." (c) Carrie Bradshaw