Frankie Says Relax

Have you ever found out something that you wish you just didn't know? Is ignorance really bliss? I got confirmation of something that I kinda always known, but the confirmation has really screwed me up. When I kinda knew, it bothered me, but it was a bit easier to sweep under the rug. Now, that all the cards are on the table, I have been obsessed with a truth that I once so cheerfully ignored. Sigh!

So now, a part of me wishes I never proposed the question that got me the answer that I really didn't want to hear. If I would have never asked, I would have never been told, then things would have gone on the way they were. It wasn't necessarily a lie, it was more-so, something that was there but not talked about (btw, omission is a lie). 

On the other hand, once you accept something as being real or an issue you can move on from it. While the moving on process may send you into the lowest of valleys, it's also the journey to getting to the next hill. Sometimes the truth is just hard to hear, then hard to process, then hard to accept, then hard to get past, then hard to not think about every time you think about that person. Ugh! I've been doing way too much over-analyzing, but I'm a pretty intense thinker (I like to say philosophical).  

Basically, I've been tripping. Granted, when your heart is in something, whether its a friendship, relationship, job, etc...when  things happen that aren't consistent with your desires, it's difficult to not feel some kind of way about it, but "Frankie Says Relax."

Sometimes the things you don't want to know are the things you need to know. It's all good. It's not the end of the world because things take a different turn, just go with the flow. 

Still, a part of me wishes I just never asked the question. Not because I would have stayed in the dark, but I'm wasting so much energy analyzing it :/

Getting Over The Hur(t)le

Someone once told me you're never in love with someone, you're only in love with the way they make you feel (and someone else can make you feel the same way.) Feelings. Blah. Its 2am and I'm up writing to Coltrane "A Sentimental Mood" and I have super mixed feelings. Feelings of love and hate for one person. Crush kinda feelings for another. Afraid of someone else and on-the-fence about yet another someone else.

Seemingly, I have a lot going on. Which I find happens as I'm attempting to get over someone else. The replacement method. Which for the record, is totally not working. It used to. I used to be able to effectively replace people, but now the people I date mean more to me. They are more special; less replaceable and when their presence leaves me: harder to get over. Am I in love with the feelings or the person? Feelings > Person...(I haven't figured out yet.)

Either way, this process is quite frustrating and unintentionally leaves me second guessing myself, when in reality I know who I am. I know I am a likable and lovable person. All things that I remind others of when they're enduring these same "love pains" so why do we forget when its our turn? I guess its not necessarily the person or the feelings, but the death of something that was created between two people. Death and grieving is synonymous, so the experience is necessary.

So, I give up on my new shiny toy quest. People who really mean(t) something to you can't be replaced. You may meet someone similar, someone worse, or someone better, but they are who they are. In the beginning, he didn't mean what he means to you now, and like seasons change...everything else does.

My new tactic is to enjoy the ride out just as I enjoyed the ride in. In the meanwhile, learning you can't force getting over it.