Easy In, Not-So Easy Out

Falling in like can be so easy! A few late-night texts, random dinner dates in Harlem soul-food restaurants, hour long iChats and Voila! You're all smiles as you sit before a group of friends interrogating you about your recent where-abouts. This stage seems to happen so easily, with such little mental input, that you're in it before you realize you haven't even exchanged middle names. Being in "it" is actually pretty cool.

It's exciting to see the person you've been thinking about all day, flash before your blackberry screen, or pop up during a quick Facebook break. To like and to be liked gives such an energetic and "possibilities-are-endless" feeling, that, admittingly, I think I may like too much. I haven't been single single since about the 6th grade.

Anyway. Falling in like, turns to many things, sometimes very beautiful things such as love, friendship, and companionship. Then...there are the ugly things, the ugliest of them all being...COMPLICATED. Ughhhh.
Complicated. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You just want to get it right, and sometimes you do, then other times it's so messy. Breaking up to make up. Together but not. I love you, but wouldn't admit it because I'm not sure you feel the same. Things were so easy those months ago! What happened to the smooth, easy, grade-school skipping journey we were on? When did jokes become real questions? Why are you mad again? Who is she???

I have been in two complicated relationships (one real, one fake) in my life. The first was an ex, who I "cheated" on. He broke up with me, and was too angry to get back together, but not so angry to play back and forth with me a year (or more) after our breakup. I say I "cheated" because it wasn't real cheating, I just socially-cheated. I kinda wanted to be in a relationship, but I still wanted to hang out with other guys, even if they were exes. I wasn't doing anything "wrong" in my eyes, just maintaining previous friendships. The boyfriend obviously had a different P.O.V.

Then, there was (or is), the Pen Pal. I'll say very little about this situation other than it is #2 and one of the best learning experiences ever! If he and I shall never speak again in life, I'd at least take with me a higher Scrabble IQ, vauge New York slang, and motivation to not participate in such complication a third time.


The messy, sticky strings of complication are a barrier to both relationship normalcy and freedom. It's hard to get to either side. You're just stuck in like/love/relationship purgatory. You know things will never work out between you (despite being hopeful). The situation has become a countdown to the complete and real ending. Somehow, you just got stuck on repeat in the "10...9...8" area. But strength be unto the weary...there is hope! (Say "yay!!!")

As natural as it was getting in, the exit is so superbly natural! However, my child, the grand exit may take a while...but it does come.

You wake-up to start your normal routine. You go to brush your teeth. You flat iron your hair. You grab your keys, run to catch your train, get to work and realize, he didn't cross your mind for 2 hours. Your next realization comes and it's been weeks since you last talked to him. Then one day, like magic, you'll forget him!!! Not forget in the real sense of the word, unless you're suddenly plauged with amnesia, in which case, lucky you! I'm speaking more of the kinda forget you have for the boy who you only saw and liked when you visited your cousins in the suburbs (or city). What's his name again?!

Soon you will forget...or in my case, replace him with someone new!

Sidenote: I really need to work on this single single thing! *Shrugs*

La Vie en Rose

On most mornings I sing in the shower. Mainly because that's the only time I sound "good" singing. My "shower karaoke playlist" consists of 90s and early 2000 R&B songs that in my own mind I sound great singing. Yesterday I started with SWV "Weak." I'm actually a fairly good Coko, with bathroom acoustics and running water to drown out my real voice. After "Weak" and Usher's "You Remind Me," I started singing one of my favorite songs by Missy, which sad to say is "Beep Me 911." As I was singing and because I know majority of the words, I tried my hand at Magoo's verse. As I got to the end I realized something profound. WOMEN ARE STUPID!

In "Beep Me 911" Missy is basically singing her heart out to a guy who is leaving her. She's asking, "What have I done?" Then she tries to guilt him with a myriad of "I gave up clubs and parties...I did this for you, I did that," all to no avail because once Magoo starts rapping its clear their relationship is over. Magoo ends his verse with these three lines. And seriously, Read. This. Slowly.

Girl, get yo mind checked

Take the time, recollect

I just gave you disrespect

Do you know what this means? Ok, I'll tell you. While "Beep Me 911" won't go down in history as one of the greatest songs ever. This song, if you dissect things like me, can really put things in perspective in your dating life. How many times have you missed someone, thinking about all the good times, and wondering what part you played in things going downhill? Probably too many times. Women have a way of only seeing the good, and over-emphasizing it so much that when a relationship is over, we feel like we are now missing out! This is not true. Take the time to recollect, he just gave you disrespect! (Note: This is extreme, but I'm making a point. Most relationships end because you're just with the wrong person, even if you both try.)

If things we're so good in your relationship...it wouldn't be over or ending (slowly). If things were so good, you wouldn't have cried last night, and you probably wouldn't cry later this afternoon. If things we're so good, you wouldn't be alone reminiscing on the good times, you'd be making more good times right now.

Don't view your relationships La Vie En Rose. "Life in pink", "Rose-colored glasses", "Only the positive"...I can go on with phrases that say "Shit is all good." It's not. Being realistic doesn't make you negative, it makes you an adult. See things and people for exactly what and who they are. If someone is leaving you, they don't want to be with you. Oh well! If he's cheating on you, he doesn't respect you, so why are you staying? It's probably because in 1998, you didn't take Magoo's verse seriously! Lol.

On a more honest note: Listen to a man's words, and more importantly, his actions and not your own hopes and desires. Be realistic....it's easier in the long run.

G.A.M.E

I read a very very very interesting blogpost on Very Smart Brothas. I'll drop the link below. I don't want you reading their ish before mine lol. Anyway, the post was "5 Things Men Say (and do) When We’re Just Running Game." I said, "WTF!" This is exactly what I wanted to read! Last week, I had an interesting BBM convo where one guy basically told me that another guy was running game. Me: Really? Now, that "really" has just been stuck in head. Have I been tricked all this time??? Was I believing some b.s, taking it as truth when it was just a line? "Not me" I thought but, maybe, just maybe I actually was being gamed. Hmm.

I am a pretty understanding person. I tell people all the time I can understand most things because I did most things. I understand lying, because I have lied. I understand cheating (to some degree), because I have "cheated." I get most things! People have insecurites, and issues, and other life experiences that affect who they are as they relate to other people, especially in romantic relationships. However, the article got me to thinking: Can I trust what he says? Granted, everything a guy tells you won't be a lie, but for DAMN SURE some of it is. How do we know what is an excuse/a line/bullshit...versus what is real?

I actually don't think "game" is necessarily a bad thing. I think "game" is a combination of when you say something and how you say it. I have tons of game! I am extremely flirty, with intellectual, witty, sarcasm that seems to get guys weak in the knees. Game is about timing, and I have that down to a science! However, I don't be lying! Once you start lying, it's not "game" anymore. It. Is. A. Lie. Asshole!

So how do we know? It's easy to say "I know when someone's lying to me." Umm, no you don't honey. You can feel that someone's lying, but without blatant evidence, it's just speculation. Speculation is an easy thing to talk yourself out of especially when feelings are involved. So, now I'm running inventory of past conversation, thinking "was this a lie...was that a lie?" It's pretty annoying but I haven't mastered mind control yet. Until then, all "game" is evil and boys can't be trusted. Sigh :/

Very Smart Brothas http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/5-common-things-men-say-when-were-just-running-game/