Do You Know His Credit Score?

In dating, sometimes you can wrongfully judge a book by its cover. You meet a guy, and you decide who you think he is, who he's going to be, and what you think you want from him. These judgements are based on attractiveness, little facts you learned through conversation, stalking him on his facebook and twitter, and/or what you heard from people who know him (if you're lucky). From these pre-judgments, a decision is made: to date or not to date. If he is so lucky, you and the young man begin the process of "Getting To Know Eachother." In this process, a girl must be very careful to pay attention because this is a pivotal point in which all other decisions must be based. At this time you need to find out his credit score!

I learned a very valuable lesson in credit: Don't give someone American Express credit when they are only deserving of pre-paid Rush card status. Does this make sense? (Catch me at the break-break-down)

To more easily decipher through the mess in which I have labeled my dating life (sad). I am now classifying boys (I haven't met any men) into 3 groups based on what they deserve from me. American Express, Debit, and Pre-paid Rush Cards.

American Express guys

Haven't found this yet, obviously. Although, I made a mistake of putting one person here because I judged him to be so great. I guess the pressure of my sainthood label was too much for him because he committed credit suicide and completely dropped out of this category. Sigh, I thought he was a good one too!

I honestly, can't even tell you of an American Express credit worthy guy, but when I find out, I will let you know. For now, let's just say he'll be like no one you've ever met (in the best way possible)!

Debit guys

This is where most guys should fall (unless you have a bad problem picking men). They add money to their card, they have higher spending potential...simple. Give a man credit based on his actions, not from what you hope he deserves. Allow him to show you what he deserves and you can give him a little more at a time. We make the mistake of thinking we like or even love someone so much we just give them a bunch of free shit! I am not a gift bag and neither are you!

Pre-paid Rush card guys

Ugh, this is the worst of the worst! These guys are complete bums. They hardly ever have any credit on their card, yet they just swipe, swipe, SWIPE! They are beyond undeserving of whatever you have to offer, but for the sake of Christianity you are nice to them. These guys can be exes who've demoted themselves soooo much, but you still answer their calls every once in a while. They can be someone you've recently met, who has messed up so much already you think either he's a complete idiot or he must hate you! 

These guys are in need of serious credit help, and you are not the one to do it. Leave them alone! Allow them to file for bankruptcy on their own terms and build up their credit without you. I do believe a person can build their wealth, I just wouldn't wait for it. If he comes back flashing, even a Debit card, with limited coins on it, then maybe you can meet up in person. Until that time comes, keep your interactions with him few and far in between. You don't want that kind of brokeness rubbing off on you! When I say brokeness, it's not in terms of money. It's a broken spirit, that allows a person to not appreciate or respect a great thing when it's right in front of them. His de-value of the credit in which you deserve will always be his downfall in the end. As they say: You never miss a good thing til it leaves you!

So, I hope this small lesson in credit is helpful, but most of all, I hope you are realistic about your own credit score! You can't be a Baby Phat card looking for an American Express man. Get yourself where you need to be and then seek your equal. I am not perfect!!! I have fears and insecurities and issues I need to get past, however I know what I give and I know what I deserve to get back + bonus points!

In any other race, one would tell you to "Go For The Gold,!" but in dating, always go for The Platinum! 

Please note: This message is not intended for Gold Diggers. I am not telling you to go after a man's money. Get your own coins, Big girl ; )

Xoxo,

Di Marie

I Got The Juice Now!

It's October. Leaves are falling to the ground. The sun is setting sooner and it's getting colder. Typically this is the season to set up a niiice boo situation for the winter. Me, on the contrary, have been slashing guys like a Halloween thriller.

Why? Just because I can and I have been developing a very low tolerance for bullshit. I have deleted like 100 guys off of my facebook. I've deleted like 13 numbers out of my phone. I have ended about 6 "friendships" with guys I used to date. From guys that have been around since I was 16 to guys from 2 weeks ago...no one is exempt! Even "The Greatest Ex" got cut last night, in which I'm still shaking my head about. Oh well!

This is the deal...I deserve better friendships and better people in my life. If you aren't giving me peace and love, you must go...period. No stress. No B.S. No lying. No back and forth. No. Nothing.

The Bums of Bullshit Past are no longer skeletons in my closet. I'm cleaning mine out for the winter, eff waiting for spring! Sometimes, you wait so long to do something, before you realize the effect it has on you.

Life happens so fast and you put people in categories they don't even belong in. I came to the realization that these so-called friends really weren't friends at all. If one wasn't asking me for naked pics, another was arguing about who I have or haven't slept with. Then there was one I was dating, but not dating because we were "just friends." That's bullshit. Then, there were those who were less important, who I've gone on a date or two, or those who thought hanging out in my apartment was better than asking me out. Am I supposed to cook for you too?! Hell nah! YOU'RE FIRED!

Anyway, I've been feeling great about my new and lighter friend list. I have never taken such inventory before, and I'm proud that I am. Dating me is a privilege. Being a friend of mine has value. In all the days, I thought I had it, now I know for sure...I got the juice!

And it's so damn sweet. I suggest you get yours too ; )

Easy In, Not-So Easy Out

Falling in like can be so easy! A few late-night texts, random dinner dates in Harlem soul-food restaurants, hour long iChats and Voila! You're all smiles as you sit before a group of friends interrogating you about your recent where-abouts. This stage seems to happen so easily, with such little mental input, that you're in it before you realize you haven't even exchanged middle names. Being in "it" is actually pretty cool.

It's exciting to see the person you've been thinking about all day, flash before your blackberry screen, or pop up during a quick Facebook break. To like and to be liked gives such an energetic and "possibilities-are-endless" feeling, that, admittingly, I think I may like too much. I haven't been single single since about the 6th grade.

Anyway. Falling in like, turns to many things, sometimes very beautiful things such as love, friendship, and companionship. Then...there are the ugly things, the ugliest of them all being...COMPLICATED. Ughhhh.
Complicated. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You just want to get it right, and sometimes you do, then other times it's so messy. Breaking up to make up. Together but not. I love you, but wouldn't admit it because I'm not sure you feel the same. Things were so easy those months ago! What happened to the smooth, easy, grade-school skipping journey we were on? When did jokes become real questions? Why are you mad again? Who is she???

I have been in two complicated relationships (one real, one fake) in my life. The first was an ex, who I "cheated" on. He broke up with me, and was too angry to get back together, but not so angry to play back and forth with me a year (or more) after our breakup. I say I "cheated" because it wasn't real cheating, I just socially-cheated. I kinda wanted to be in a relationship, but I still wanted to hang out with other guys, even if they were exes. I wasn't doing anything "wrong" in my eyes, just maintaining previous friendships. The boyfriend obviously had a different P.O.V.

Then, there was (or is), the Pen Pal. I'll say very little about this situation other than it is #2 and one of the best learning experiences ever! If he and I shall never speak again in life, I'd at least take with me a higher Scrabble IQ, vauge New York slang, and motivation to not participate in such complication a third time.


The messy, sticky strings of complication are a barrier to both relationship normalcy and freedom. It's hard to get to either side. You're just stuck in like/love/relationship purgatory. You know things will never work out between you (despite being hopeful). The situation has become a countdown to the complete and real ending. Somehow, you just got stuck on repeat in the "10...9...8" area. But strength be unto the weary...there is hope! (Say "yay!!!")

As natural as it was getting in, the exit is so superbly natural! However, my child, the grand exit may take a while...but it does come.

You wake-up to start your normal routine. You go to brush your teeth. You flat iron your hair. You grab your keys, run to catch your train, get to work and realize, he didn't cross your mind for 2 hours. Your next realization comes and it's been weeks since you last talked to him. Then one day, like magic, you'll forget him!!! Not forget in the real sense of the word, unless you're suddenly plauged with amnesia, in which case, lucky you! I'm speaking more of the kinda forget you have for the boy who you only saw and liked when you visited your cousins in the suburbs (or city). What's his name again?!

Soon you will forget...or in my case, replace him with someone new!

Sidenote: I really need to work on this single single thing! *Shrugs*

La Vie en Rose

On most mornings I sing in the shower. Mainly because that's the only time I sound "good" singing. My "shower karaoke playlist" consists of 90s and early 2000 R&B songs that in my own mind I sound great singing. Yesterday I started with SWV "Weak." I'm actually a fairly good Coko, with bathroom acoustics and running water to drown out my real voice. After "Weak" and Usher's "You Remind Me," I started singing one of my favorite songs by Missy, which sad to say is "Beep Me 911." As I was singing and because I know majority of the words, I tried my hand at Magoo's verse. As I got to the end I realized something profound. WOMEN ARE STUPID!

In "Beep Me 911" Missy is basically singing her heart out to a guy who is leaving her. She's asking, "What have I done?" Then she tries to guilt him with a myriad of "I gave up clubs and parties...I did this for you, I did that," all to no avail because once Magoo starts rapping its clear their relationship is over. Magoo ends his verse with these three lines. And seriously, Read. This. Slowly.

Girl, get yo mind checked

Take the time, recollect

I just gave you disrespect

Do you know what this means? Ok, I'll tell you. While "Beep Me 911" won't go down in history as one of the greatest songs ever. This song, if you dissect things like me, can really put things in perspective in your dating life. How many times have you missed someone, thinking about all the good times, and wondering what part you played in things going downhill? Probably too many times. Women have a way of only seeing the good, and over-emphasizing it so much that when a relationship is over, we feel like we are now missing out! This is not true. Take the time to recollect, he just gave you disrespect! (Note: This is extreme, but I'm making a point. Most relationships end because you're just with the wrong person, even if you both try.)

If things we're so good in your relationship...it wouldn't be over or ending (slowly). If things were so good, you wouldn't have cried last night, and you probably wouldn't cry later this afternoon. If things we're so good, you wouldn't be alone reminiscing on the good times, you'd be making more good times right now.

Don't view your relationships La Vie En Rose. "Life in pink", "Rose-colored glasses", "Only the positive"...I can go on with phrases that say "Shit is all good." It's not. Being realistic doesn't make you negative, it makes you an adult. See things and people for exactly what and who they are. If someone is leaving you, they don't want to be with you. Oh well! If he's cheating on you, he doesn't respect you, so why are you staying? It's probably because in 1998, you didn't take Magoo's verse seriously! Lol.

On a more honest note: Listen to a man's words, and more importantly, his actions and not your own hopes and desires. Be realistic....it's easier in the long run.

G.A.M.E

I read a very very very interesting blogpost on Very Smart Brothas. I'll drop the link below. I don't want you reading their ish before mine lol. Anyway, the post was "5 Things Men Say (and do) When We’re Just Running Game." I said, "WTF!" This is exactly what I wanted to read! Last week, I had an interesting BBM convo where one guy basically told me that another guy was running game. Me: Really? Now, that "really" has just been stuck in head. Have I been tricked all this time??? Was I believing some b.s, taking it as truth when it was just a line? "Not me" I thought but, maybe, just maybe I actually was being gamed. Hmm.

I am a pretty understanding person. I tell people all the time I can understand most things because I did most things. I understand lying, because I have lied. I understand cheating (to some degree), because I have "cheated." I get most things! People have insecurites, and issues, and other life experiences that affect who they are as they relate to other people, especially in romantic relationships. However, the article got me to thinking: Can I trust what he says? Granted, everything a guy tells you won't be a lie, but for DAMN SURE some of it is. How do we know what is an excuse/a line/bullshit...versus what is real?

I actually don't think "game" is necessarily a bad thing. I think "game" is a combination of when you say something and how you say it. I have tons of game! I am extremely flirty, with intellectual, witty, sarcasm that seems to get guys weak in the knees. Game is about timing, and I have that down to a science! However, I don't be lying! Once you start lying, it's not "game" anymore. It. Is. A. Lie. Asshole!

So how do we know? It's easy to say "I know when someone's lying to me." Umm, no you don't honey. You can feel that someone's lying, but without blatant evidence, it's just speculation. Speculation is an easy thing to talk yourself out of especially when feelings are involved. So, now I'm running inventory of past conversation, thinking "was this a lie...was that a lie?" It's pretty annoying but I haven't mastered mind control yet. Until then, all "game" is evil and boys can't be trusted. Sigh :/

Very Smart Brothas http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/5-common-things-men-say-when-were-just-running-game/

Frankie Says Relax

Have you ever found out something that you wish you just didn't know? Is ignorance really bliss? I got confirmation of something that I kinda always known, but the confirmation has really screwed me up. When I kinda knew, it bothered me, but it was a bit easier to sweep under the rug. Now, that all the cards are on the table, I have been obsessed with a truth that I once so cheerfully ignored. Sigh!

So now, a part of me wishes I never proposed the question that got me the answer that I really didn't want to hear. If I would have never asked, I would have never been told, then things would have gone on the way they were. It wasn't necessarily a lie, it was more-so, something that was there but not talked about (btw, omission is a lie). 

On the other hand, once you accept something as being real or an issue you can move on from it. While the moving on process may send you into the lowest of valleys, it's also the journey to getting to the next hill. Sometimes the truth is just hard to hear, then hard to process, then hard to accept, then hard to get past, then hard to not think about every time you think about that person. Ugh! I've been doing way too much over-analyzing, but I'm a pretty intense thinker (I like to say philosophical).  

Basically, I've been tripping. Granted, when your heart is in something, whether its a friendship, relationship, job, etc...when  things happen that aren't consistent with your desires, it's difficult to not feel some kind of way about it, but "Frankie Says Relax."

Sometimes the things you don't want to know are the things you need to know. It's all good. It's not the end of the world because things take a different turn, just go with the flow. 

Still, a part of me wishes I just never asked the question. Not because I would have stayed in the dark, but I'm wasting so much energy analyzing it :/

Getting Over The Hur(t)le

Someone once told me you're never in love with someone, you're only in love with the way they make you feel (and someone else can make you feel the same way.) Feelings. Blah. Its 2am and I'm up writing to Coltrane "A Sentimental Mood" and I have super mixed feelings. Feelings of love and hate for one person. Crush kinda feelings for another. Afraid of someone else and on-the-fence about yet another someone else.

Seemingly, I have a lot going on. Which I find happens as I'm attempting to get over someone else. The replacement method. Which for the record, is totally not working. It used to. I used to be able to effectively replace people, but now the people I date mean more to me. They are more special; less replaceable and when their presence leaves me: harder to get over. Am I in love with the feelings or the person? Feelings > Person...(I haven't figured out yet.)

Either way, this process is quite frustrating and unintentionally leaves me second guessing myself, when in reality I know who I am. I know I am a likable and lovable person. All things that I remind others of when they're enduring these same "love pains" so why do we forget when its our turn? I guess its not necessarily the person or the feelings, but the death of something that was created between two people. Death and grieving is synonymous, so the experience is necessary.

So, I give up on my new shiny toy quest. People who really mean(t) something to you can't be replaced. You may meet someone similar, someone worse, or someone better, but they are who they are. In the beginning, he didn't mean what he means to you now, and like seasons change...everything else does.

My new tactic is to enjoy the ride out just as I enjoyed the ride in. In the meanwhile, learning you can't force getting over it.