Making Things Happen vs Waiting For It

Hiiiiiii! I know, I know, I've been M.I.A. The thing with PGDGD is, it was kinda like therapy for me and I've gotten to a place where I don't need a consistent therapy session. So this is good right? Progress we can call it. Now, however I am being forced to write because I'm getting confused again. In the last, literally two weeks I've been hearing this "If it's meant to be" term and quite frankly it's getting on my fuggin nerves!!!

Ok, so either you're on Team "Things Happen On Their Own" or Team "You Have To Make Things Happen." I think I'm definitely leaning toward the latter and the more I hear the other side's belief system, the more annoyed I get with said assholes.

In life you are taught to go after what you want right? If you want a new job, you have to apply. If you want to do well on a test, you have to study. If you want to be a great musician, you have to practice. I don't think I'm alone in this thinking. For every goal, there is some amount of effort put in to attain it. BUTTTTTT soooooome people just completely disregard this when it comes to relationships. I call these people the excuse-users with the excuse being "if it's meant to be..."

Don't get me wrong, I understand timing, but most things in life take more than timing. For all things meant to be, some work had to be done to give birth to whatever the end result is. All I'm saying is, if someone values something and really wants it, they don't mind putting in the work to get it.

Agree?

I Thought I Was Through With You...

I couldn't write for forever and I feel horrible about it. Writing has been such a release for me but I came to a point recently where I just couldn't do it. I've been super depressed, partly because I'm an ungrateful bitch, but mostly because I'm human. I tore my ACL and meniscus, blah blah. I got knee surgery last month and can't walk until next month without the help of torture devices otherwise known as crutches. My whole life has been altered temporarily. I had to move-in with my friend because her apt has an advantage over mine: an elevator. I have to take a frickin bus to work and I'm in pain every single day. It could be worse hence my ungratefulness, so I'll leave my complaining within this first paragraph.

Another part of my faux depression is my over-consuming blog topic. I'm sick of writing about this same particular person, whom I've now dubbed "Worm Food," which isn't really nice because he's not dead. Di Fact: "Worm Food" is dirt mixed with the decaying body of the deceased. Anyway, as much as I try to convince myself, the idea of him isn't dead either. Sometimes you don't realize how big of an affect someone has in your life, especially when they are no longer a part of it. I don't know if the "dead" guy has this affect because of who he was, or because of who I am. Is it me???

Today I shed a little tear (or several, whatever) because I was upset that attachments aren't yet broken and that memories aren't less emotional. Some things are out of our control, but for someone like me who strives for as much control as possible over my thoughts and life, it's difficult to feel things I honestly just don't want to feel anymore. Frustration is what brought those tears, nothing to do with WF (<--- a lie).

To curb my feelings of woe, I turned on SATC because Carrie is a God. HBO on Demand is thee shit!

Just when I thought it was over, came in the harsh reality that I just may need more time. Worm Food may not be the problem; there actually may not be a problem at all and what I feel is supposed to be felt. Moving on and letting go is a process. Just like recovering from my knee surgery, I have to take this other shit one day at a time.

Knowledge: Power or Pain?

I hate finding out shit! I mean, I don't want to be blindly involved in something and being lied to, but there's just some things I don't want or NEED to know. It's those things I hate finding out.

In the last few months I have been making a conscious effort to control and take ownership of my feelings, and those efforts were really tested the other day.

I hate Tumblr! I guess I hate blogs too. And social networks. These things can reveal a truth that you'd be better off not knowing (or not want to know, but should). I learned a long time ago that following a guy you date on Twitter is notttt a good idea. I even block their statuses off of my news feed on Facebook. Effective communication needs to be tailored to the receiver and in emotional relationships that tailoring often does not exist in a social world.

Social networks are not for liars! Why? Because a lie is too hard to keep up with, and eventually you'll tell on yourself in a status, or blog post, or BBM update. Once that information is public and some unsuspecting young lady, who doesn't know you're a liar will find out that in fact you are A FUGGIN LIAR! Ugh. Cut the lying!!!

As a reformed liar, I get that some lies are little white lies, like what Kim Kardashian does. Some lies are told with good intentions or are a result of fear. I have a healthy understanding of lying. However, even a white lie can sting once you find out the truth.

So is knowledge power or pain? Knowledge gives you an advantage in decision-making, so that's good, but what about when a big decision isn't needed or is difficult, then you're kinda burdened with a truth you didn't want in the first place.

Unwanted truths can either be shrugged off or go straight to your memory, where they stay and eventually become insecurity. When I care, I'm not very good at the Kanye shrug, so I have to be very cautious of the "white liars." I can't control who lies to me and what lies they tell, I can only focus on controlling how finding out the truth makes me feel. In the end, what else can you do? Cry about it!?

But what if they die?

I've been super duper sad today because I read this book. This book is a greaaaat book. I can't post the title, because I'm lending it to my friend to read since I finished it. The whole concept of the book is about timing. It journeys the lives of two friends, a girl and a guy, who go from strangers, to bestfriends who are secretly in love with eachother. Over a span of 20 years, the book chronicalizes their lives. It's so obvious to the reader how much they love eachother, but they spend so much time, wasting, in my opinion, not being together. The guy eventually marries and has a child with someone else, who cheats on him with his best friend (That's what his ass gets!). SMH. So, anyway after about 15 years, a plethura of fights between them and failed relationships with other people, they finally GET TOGETHER!!! Yay!!!! THEN...she gets hit by a car and DIES!

No lie. I was reading on the train and nearly burst into tears. SHE DIES!? After all of this, all of the back and forth, and friendship, and love, and passion, and missed opportunities. They finally get it together, get married, and she dies riding her bike home from the gym. Sucks right?

This got me to thinking. What if he dies? What if I die? What happens when all the missed opportunities become the last opportunity...ever? If you really love someone, but just can't get it right, are you willing to lose them forever because you can't? I guess this is where timing comes into play. They spent all of that time not being together, maybe because they weren't supposed to, no matter how much I felt like they should reading along angrily. But maybe not. Maybe there's a chance that while timing is a huge factor in life and relationships, maybe if you appreciated what you had in front of you, you could have the life you want before it's too late???

The female lead essentially waited for the male lead to realize what he had in front of him all along. Granted, she lived her life and had other relationships, but she always felt a constant "what-if" that stopped her from ever really letting go of him. She waited so long that once they finally we're together and married, it was difficult for her to have children, and she died before she could. BUT in the same argument, she married someone that she always loved, I guess her "soulmate", and she got to experience that two years before her death.

So, today I'm wondering is everything really about fate or the decisions we make along the way? What happens when you run out of time...forever?